SAN FRANCISCO — Rising from his nighttime pit of slime and viscera Tuesday morning, tech industry leader Peter Thiel’s engorged egg sac ruptured, sending hundreds of tech founders scuttling through his California home.
Thiel, a powerful voice in the tech industry and a festering host for future generations of tech company minds, reportedly chittered with glee as a wave of horrid spawn erupted from his skin pustules before skittering off into the city to launch startups.
“The best entrepreneurs know this: every great business is built around a secret that’s hidden from the outside,” Thiel clicked, as a soon-to-be tech founder flitted up his thorax, “A great company is a conspiracy to change the world; when you share your secret, the recipient becomes a fellow conspirator.”
Hissing and gurgling menacingly, Thiel’s multiple chitinous legs gathered up his clutch of larval protégés, marking them for future success in the industry with a screeching lullaby.
“The most valuable businesses of coming decades will be built by entrepreneurs who seek to empower people rather than try to make them obsolete,” he continued, coddling a mewling AI CEO into his profane bosom. “Monopoly is the condition of every successful business.”
Witnesses report that, once the strongest of Thiel’s terrifying offspring had dispersed into the night, he set about consuming those left behind to fuel the next putrid generation of Silicon Valley thought leaders.
“If your goal is to never make a mistake in your life, you shouldn’t look for a secret,” he cooed, the words nearly drowned out by the sounds of breaking bones and wailing entrepreneurs, “The prospect of being lonely but right—dedicating your life to something that no one else believes in—is already hard. The prospect of being lonely and wrong can be unbearable.”
Thiel is said to be in the process of constructing a new spawning ground in San Mateo County, one close to Silicon Valley, but still damp and moist enough to promulgate his new brood.