WASHINGTON, D.C. – Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced Thursday that all active-duty members of the United States military will now be required to verify their testosterone levels by fucking his wife.
Hegseth made the announcement from his official residence at Fort McNair, where he framed the move as vital to the success of the United States armed forces.
“Under my direct supervision, war fighters of all ages will be evaluated by my beautiful wife, sexually, in the bed we sleep in every night, to verify that they have what it takes to accomplish their mission,” he said. “And that mission, of course, is to fuck my wife.”
The decision to require millions of soldiers to engage in hot, steamy sex with his wife was not made lightly, Hegseth said.
“At first, we considered just medically screening our soldiers to make sure that they were in fighting form. After all, having all of those hot-bodied, rock-hard men go to town on the woman I love is something we’ve just never done before,” he said. “But after days of her enthusiastically urging me to implement this strategy, we’ve decided that it’s this kind of innovation that will move our fighting force into the future. These soldiers are going to absolutely rail my wife, and we’ll all be better for it.”
Opening his front door as a line of armed servicemen began to form outside, Hegseth reiterated that the new screening process would ensure that American soldiers were operating at peak form.
“Our powerful, dominant soldiers must be at the absolute pinnacle of physical prowess, and I can think of no better way to ensure that than by challenging them to handle my absolute smoke show of a wife,” he said. “I will personally see to it that these strong, fit, glistening warriors get all the resources they need, and again I must stress that by ‘resources’ I mean carnal knowledge of my eager spouse.”
As the first participant entered his home, Hegseth turned to follow him upstairs.
“It is my responsibility to personally observe each screening and also maybe record them,” he said. “Footage of all these chiseled, sweating men having their way with the woman I married is an integral part of the American warfighting strategy and I am duty-bound to make sure I have some of it on my phone for later.”
When asked how the military would handle female members of the armed forces, Hegseth’s answer was brief.
“Yeah I guess they can come too,” he shrugged, already halfway up the stairs. “But no fat chicks.”