WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced on Thursday via TruthSocial his intention to grant pardon to extraplanar being Gurtholxuur, Ravager of Aeons, calling it “long-overdue interdimensional justice”.
Trump made the announcement in a late-night social media rant where he implied that he would use his power as president to unbind Gurtholxuur from its temporal prison sphere, freeing it to resume its all-encompassing mission to rend space and time and end all life in the universe, as well as restoring its voting rights.
“People have been so unfair to this guy,” the President told his social media audience Thursday night. “Such a powerful, powerful creature. It has beautiful plans, beautiful ideas… and crooked Democrats have snatched that away because they are JEALOUS they can’t do it like this guy. UNFAIR.”
Pundits believe that the pardon may be aimed at currying favor among the Republican base. Online conservative voices have steadily pushed for the release of the Great Defiler, calling its confinement a ‘political punishment’ by the previous administration.
Some prominent right-wing thought leaders have even suggested that preventing the Beast Who Swallows All from consuming all light and matter is ‘a violation of free speech’.
“Oh, of course it’s purely political,” said Deborah Pollard, who operates the Eastern Tennessee Free Speech Patriot account on X. “It’s just like they did with the heroes of January 6th. Pardoning Gurtholxuur, The Promised Darkness is a big victory for all of us true free speech advocates.” Pollard added that if Gurtholxuur were to return to devouring worlds, they’d “probably start with the Democrats anyway.”
The White House declined to comment on concerns surrounding the potential dangers of releasing Gurtholxuur from state custody, including the possibility that the Ravager may legally acquire a firearm.