WASHINGTON, D.C. – Calling the situation “out of our jurisdiction,” the Trump administration has claimed that it lacks the authority to bring J.D. Vance back inside.
White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt made the announcement during a White House press conference Thursday, speaking to reporters as Vance quietly knocked on a nearby door.
“The United States cannot and will not forcibly extract someone who we’ve already deported,” Leavitt said as Vance shifted to a window not twenty feet away. “This situation is settled. There’s nothing we can do.”
Vance, a legal White house occupant, had been stuck on the lawn for over 45 minutes after the President sent him on a McDonalds run earlier in the day. As Vance continued to meekly request entry, Leavitt also repeated unsubstantiated claims that the Vice President was a violent criminal whose deportation to the White House lawn had been justified.
“We have good reason to believe that this individual has ties to a dangerous extremist organization at work even here in the nation’s capital,” Leavitt over the sound of Vance’s muffled pleas. “This is someone who poses an imminent threat to our American way of life, and we are all safer for him being over there.”
President Trump himself appeared to back those claims in an oval office meeting shortly thereafter. Sitting at his desk with Vance visible over his shoulder, Trump doubled down on claims that his second-in-command is not fit to return indoors.
“The radical left Democrats want to let guys like this into my house,” Trump said, pausing to draw a curtain over the window. “He’s not a good person, and if he was a good person I could let him inside, but he is not. You only have to look at him to tell that he’s dangerous, maybe even crazy.”
At press time, congressional Democrats were reportedly preparing a trip to the White House to perform a welfare check on Vance.