WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of the discontinuation of the penny, the Department of Homeland Security announced Monday that ICE will soon begin rounding up all of the nation’s brown coins.
Deploying to major cities including Chicago, Los Angeles and for some reason Charlotte, DHS leadership described the operations’ goal as seizing and detaining criminal currency that “doesn’t look like it belongs around here.”
“Our mission is clear: remove the one-cent coin from circulation to ensure the safety of Americans,” said DHS secretary Kristi Noem. “Only by saturating our communities with armed, masked men can we truly make our citizens feel safe.”
DHS leadership was quick to claim that their operations would only target coins which the American government had deemed less valuable by nature of being brown.
“We’re not here to take money from hard-working Americans,” said longtime Border Patrol leader Gregory Bovino. “We’re just here to take the money they shouldn’t care about — the freeloading coins that aren’t doing anything for the system. The brown ones aren’t even real money, if you think about it.”
The agency does expect pushback from citizens, Noem said, while also noting that DHS ”doesn’t give a shit.”
“We will bring the full force of the United States government to bear to get this done. We will break down doors, go through pockets and drag these pennies out of their piggy banks and cash registers if need be,” she said. “The American people can rest easy knowing that ICE will not stop until all currency is the same color.”