WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced today that he has ordered construction crews to begin demolishing the East Wing of the United States.
The project, which will renovate eight states, is intended to modernize a part of the country which the Trump administration has criticized for lacking capacity and aesthetic flair.
“It’s been this way for thirty, forty thousand years,” the President said in his impromptu comments outside the construction site, which begins at Pennsylvania Avenue and stretches 400 miles to Boston. “But we can do so, so much better. We can make it much bigger, and we can cover it in so much gold bullshit.”
Gesturing broadly to a fleet of ten thousand bulldozers, Trump emphasized that what this nation needs is “more luxury entertainment space”, and less of “whatever Rhode Island is.”
Critics have raised questions about the legality of tearing up millions of square feet of American land, but this has not stopped the Trump administration from breaking ground on the project, which will be “in keeping with the familiar style and architecture of the rest of the country”, according to a recent press release.
“So many Presidents and their wives hosted guests and achieved great things in this part of our nation,” local historian Deborah Franklin said when reached for comment. “We’ll be losing valued pieces of history like the presidential movie theater, the First Lady’s Office, and Maryland.”
Other experts note that the construction may take multiple generations to complete, causing traffic on the Eastern corridor to be mildly impacted.